Can Humility, Unlearning, and Relearning Transform Your Parenting Journey?

Humility. Humanity.

Today I was with Auroara Leigh of Simply Sacred Solutions to film her Telus Storyhive video podcast that will air in the new year.

I had my hair and makeup done for me and everything. 😊

The topic today was Humility as the Gateway to Unlearning & Relearning. The topic is meant for everyone in all circumstances. But I was talking about it in relation to parenting.

I was so nervous that I couldn't keep my thoughts straight. I'm not sure how much I actually said. So I'll say it here.

Background:

Like many people, my childhood was not smooth. When I took Early Childhood Education in the 1990s, it opened my eyes and mind to see childhood, development, and guiding children's behaviour in positive ways I never knew about. Essentially I was Unlearning old ways and Relearning how to see children. My mind was blown, and I wanted everyone to know. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops.

Over the past 3 decades, I have seen the trends and knowledge in the field of Early Childhood change and grow. Of course, with ECE practice always lagging behind the research, and until recently, parenting lagging behind Early Childhood Education (ECE.)

It started in the 90s with child-centred care, which has now changed to family-centred care. Child-centred care was a new idea. Before that children were to be seen and not heard. They were to be trained like dogs, with behaviourist and authoritarian methods like spanking. (Not that anyone should treat dogs that way either.) Parents usually had only the skills and ideas that their parents had. From the Victorian Era until now, beliefs about children, ourselves and other people have largely gone unchanged. That is quite shocking when you look at how much the world has changed.

The Victorians, the Industrial Revolution, and the Wild West all taught the same things: You must be a rugged individualist. You must make it on your own and if you can't, there is nothing but your own poor character to blame. You better not show weakness. You better not ask for help.

On to My Point.

All that flies in the face of not only the latest information on neurodevelopment and epigenetics, but also the cultures around the world which, for millennia, have had families and villages supporting each other in a natural, intergenerational interdependent way. New couples got help from older generations. New moms didn't have to go it alone right after having a baby. Wisdom was passed down.

Imagine if we functioned together like that today with what is now known about supporting healthy development and relationships. Imagine how awesome the future would be for our children, and their children, and theirs, if we just kept learning from our mistakes and improving with the latest research.

That problem is what this episode is about.

In parenting, it's the Humility to recognize in yourself the old narrative and old beliefs. Then to be brave and have the courage to Unlearn all the unhealthy thought patterns, beliefs and behaviours that you might not have fully realized were there.

Then once you are brave enough to look at yourself and your situation, you can begin to Relearn. Sometimes that could mean re-parenting yourself. Or it could mean healing trauma.

Humility, Unlearning and Relearning can be applied to your job. If you think you know all there is about your job, and you are the only one who does it right, but you don't keep up with the times, or it is pointed out that you are actually doing something incorrectly or inefficiently, you may need the Humility and bravery to see yourself differently, with curiosity, and reflect. Then... Relearn.

Humility, Unlearning and Relearning can be applied to relationships. If your relationships tend to end badly, or are unfulfilling, you could stop looking at the other person. You could take the brave step of looking inward. Then with humility and curiosity, look at your underlying beliefs and the things you do. Reflect. Unlearn the old patterns that came from somewhere before you remember. Then... Relearn.

Humility, Unlearning and Relearning can be applied to parenting. I believe parenting is the most important place to apply this concept. It not only affects you, but also your children, and generations from now. It is that important.

Unfortunately, there is no aspect of our entire culture where people feel more vulnerable than in parenting. The whole Individualism paradigm has made nothing more toxic than the deep beliefs our society has around parenting. These beliefs either prevent parents from recognizing the problem or prevent them from seeking help. Individualism is where the Supermom myth originates.

These beliefs begin, if not during pregnancy, as soon as a baby is born. Parents, particularly moms, feel the internal or external pressure to know how to do everything and to be all the things all the time right away.

You couldn't possibly ask for help with any part of parenting because everyone else can do it so there must be something wrong with you. Are you weak or something? Now how about we stir in a touch of postpartum depression and anxiety which happens to a huge chunk of moms. Maybe add a dash of generational trauma or generational poor parenting practices. And bake. While your child grows up.

Since everything you do as a parent affects the adult your child will be, and all the relationships and situations they will be in, and then their children, it would be nothing short of heroic to change whatever you can.

If you think that "heroic" is an exaggeration, it is not. Consider what has to happen.

You need to stop. That in itself is difficult.

Stop and think. Stop and muster up the courage and Humility to see & reflect.

I mean, why would you even stop?

Right?

And think.

What? Think too? Why?

Yes.

Stop.

And think.

You need to stop and muster up all your courage and Humility to look at yourself and reflect. You need to be able to see what you need to Unlearn. Unpack that where it came from so you won’t accidentally move it into your child’s backpack.

All that right there? It is a huge task often not begun lightly. Some people see it with an epiphany, or by hitting a parenting wall, or with shelf full of self-help books, a few supportive friends, or a counselor. Some people never see it and just try Band-Aid approaches. Or nothing.

But if you are brave enough to take a private moment to see what needs to be Unlearned, to put aside your ego and have Humility, you may notice that this process can actually set you free. Then comes the learning.

The first thing to learn is that not only are you and everyone else not perfect nor should you bother with the shame and guilt of imperfection, but that by not being a bunch of isolated rugged individualist islands judging each other, everyone can actually become better by supporting each other and keeping space for individual differences. 

That's freedom on a platter right there.

Freedom!!!

The trick is to pass the new learning on to your children without letting the old ideas trickle through. More a miracle than a trick, actually. But hey, I said heroic.

The second thing you need to learn about parenting is that you can't just "learn parenting" and be done with it. Parenting should be called a practice. The practice of parenting. Because it is continual learning. I guarantee that every day you will say or do something that will cause you to pause and reflect. If you don't, you probably need to learn some more. 😆

It doesn't help that the children are constantly changing. They are like butterflies. By the time you learn all the best ways to catch and care for butterflies, they turn into feral cats. By the time you learn all the best ways to catch and care for feral cats, they turn into wild horses. By the time you figure out how to catch and care for wild horses, they just turn into airplanes and fly away out of your reach into the wide world. You just hope that something you said somewhere along the way taught them to make sure they tightened all the bolts and filled up with fuel.

Parenting is a continual practice of reflecting and learning. Always working on yourself to Unlearn those old ways when you are not even sure where they came from or how new old ways keep popping up.

Well, what about my Humility? My Unlearning and Relearning?

I am absolutely going through these same cycles with children, and professionally and privately the same way everyone else is.

Today in particular. Not only was today a "feel the fear and do it anyway" kind of day, but I also swallowed my pride to tell the world that even as a parent coach who knows intellectually how to handle the situations that come up with children, I am also far from perfect. I have times where the right words don't come out. Times I feel my buttons being pushed and I feel the internal struggle with them as I work on my self-regulation in the moment, knowing that later I will be reflecting on my poor performance.

Hello, Unlearning? Where did Learning go?

It's a process and a practice.

I’ve been at the process and practice for quite a while. I can support you with yours.

You can pass it on.

How about we all drop the parenting judgements and shame? Let’s give each other the space and support to find the courage to be Humble, to Unlearn and to Relearn. It's heroic.